That was a hard time but I learnt a lot..

Updated: Dec 12, 2021

I have been struggling all my life trying to find a way to be myself.

I am trapped in my mind, in a continuous wave of negative thoughts which are creating my reality.

I ran away from myself.

Why have I been running away from myself?

Was I disconnected from my true self?

I wasn't aware. I always read book about awareness but I didn't know what 'being aware' meant.

Then, living in the darkness, I began doing meditation.

It was August 2013 when I began to draw. Unconsciously.

In my drawings I could see my darkness, but irony as well, life force, freedom, and pain.

I don't know how to draw but I was expressing freely my thinking on paper. It was a sort of art therapy I think, so I began to draw.

It helped me to stop thinking.

Plus I liked my drawings.

The Anger, the desire, the body as a cage ©Loredana Denicola
The Anger, the desire, the body as a cage ©Loredana Denicola

Finally I vomited you © Loredana Denicola
Finally I vomited you © Loredana Denicola

I was obsessed.

I couldn't sleep.

I was overthinking. I was creating stories in my mind that didn't exist in reality, and this was affecting my existing life, my relationship with other people, my surrounding, my mental and physical health.

But still, I wasn't aware, because I couldn't see it.

Desperately, I was looking for advice.

One morning, at the gym, after yoga lesson, I asked to my yoga Instructor:

How can I stop thinking?

'This is a difficult question to ask, he said. I think you should work on your breathing. If you can breathe, you will stop thinking'. He answered.

I went home, looking for information on the Internet about meditation.

I found the Buddhist center on Roman Road, East London. They were teaching two different types of meditation, metta bhavana and mindfulness.

At the beginning I was meditating one hour, every day. I wanted to learn how to do it.

I started writing non sense, drawing without knowing why, producing new photography art projects, following my intuition, I felt doing it without thinking and I was creating the most beautiful creations that I ever done in my life.

Time passed and I felt good. At first my mind was chaotic, endless thoughts, one after another, non-stop.

I changed a few things on my website and everything became more personal, more animated, more myself.

I could see myself, where I was going on.

My website was full of creations.

It looks rich of ideas, creativity but messy, confused.

There was too much in my mind.

A year ran and I began my project 'I Am Your Mirror'.

The door is not yet completely open but now, there is a door.

I was looking for light.

In my drawing there are houses, many houses repeating constantly and there are crosses.

I am using three color - white, black and red. I am looking for my house.

I think I am looking for myself.

I found a door.

I am still outside.

Didn’t get in yet.

But I can see the door.

The house is on the tree.

There are few buildings.

It is a small city where I am and there is this door that I am talking about.

What is creativity?

Creativity has nothing to do with any activity in particular. It is not just painting or dancing or poetry. To be creative you don’t need to be an Artist.

Anything can be creative if you are creative in anything you do.

You can paint in an uncreative way but you can cook or walk or talk or moving in a creative way. Creativity is the quality and attention that you bring in what you are doing.

Feeling there while you are doing something, be present, be connected with your own reality.

It is like a magic act. Be present.
But it is so difficult.

It is a way to be, your personal way to look at things around you and to look at yourself.

When you are present, all around you look different, more alive.

So creativity is in anything you do.

It is your personal approach to life.

Not everybody can be an artist and a world full of artists would be uncreative as it would be very difficult to live with the same people and not everybody can be a dancer, we will see all the people jumping and dancing around and nothing else.

It would be fun to watch a world full of dancers.

We need variety and everybody can be creative.

We need different form of creativity, and fortunately we all are artists in our own way.

Once I prepared a risotto with butter squash, onion, pears, brown rice melted with water and then I added a touch of cloves and flax seeds.

While happily I was eating my creation, because it was a creation, I realised that next time banana would work better than pear.

I felt that with a sweeter fruit all would have tasted amazingly and divine.

Try it – it is very tasty!

All things must be done with love and creativity without expectations, not forcing it. When I started my adventure in photography, in 2008, doing a basic course of four weeks, I remember my first day. I was late.

Without breath left, I knocked at the door and while I was still on the door smiling...

Come in! – the teacher said – and then – Tell me what is your favourite activity, that one you like to do most? – he asked me.
I love cooking – I answered spontaneously – with not thinking. And I sat down on a chair.

'Good, photography is like cooking. You decide how to take a photograph, what elements you want to put in and you want to take out in the picture, the subjects, the feelings, the aesthetic. You decide if you want to dodge or burn your print, it is all about decision.
You choose'. He answered.

Love what you do. Be Meditative while you do it, whatever you do, do it consciously, with presence and with passion.

Creativity means love whatsoever you do, enjoying life. It is like a love affair. It doesn’t matter if you will become famous and rich. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t but surely you did what you did with all your Love. If you believe that you are uncreative you will become uncreative.

We are the only creator of ourselves. You create yourself.

I was creating my unhappiness.
I was creating my unhealthy relationships.
I was creating my stress, my anxiety with my thoughts.
I was creating my financial situation.
And I was creating art, for the first time in my life. The light was there. The process of healing began.

Let’s have a look at children, all children are creative.

Then parents, religion, society impose them wrong believes making them more ambitious economically, personally and politically, make them full of taboos. The creativity is destroyed. When ambitious and wrong believes enters, creativity disappear. Then creativity is destroyed.

Our whole attitude about life is money oriented.

Our approach towards life is power oriented and power is destructive not creative.

Be creative means doing something with no expectations, means be something with Love, giving something to the world without asking for recognition … and of course creativity can give you troubles. Maybe you will become poor in the outside world but you will feel rich in the inside world, deep inside you will feel fulfilled.

Being creative takes courage, said once Matisse.

A very true statement.

A creative person possess his own being.

You probably won't have the world at your feet, 5 houses around the world, great champagne nights under a star filled sky somewhere on a yacht but you will always be alive because imagination and creativity are the most powerful tools that they will keep you company forever.

So let’s be creative, don’t be worried about what we are doing.

The world needs creative people to become a better place to live in.

We need to find out in a honest way, what we can do and what we can’t do.

We need to grope in the dark, I know but that’s the only way that we have to find who we really are. In the very search, something will grow. At least consciously, deliberately, do whatsoever you want to do.

Never hide behind masks.

If you really want to be creative, then there is no question of money, success, prestige, respectability. Then you enjoy your activity; then each act has an intrinsic value.

You dance because you like dancing.

You cook because you love cooking.

You love someone because you love with no possession’s feeling.

If you feel possessive that’s not love.

It means that we have to work more on ourselves.

If somebody appreciates, good, you feel grateful.

If nobody appreciates, it is none of your business to be worried about it.

You danced, you cooked, you loved, you enjoyed – you are already fulfilled if you do with honesty.

To be who you are, that is the biggest discovery in this life before death.

by Loredana Denicola

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