Updated: Dec 12, 2021
I have been struggling all my life trying to find a way to be myself.
I am trapped in my mind, in a continuous wave of negative thoughts which are creating my reality.
I ran away from myself.
Why have I been running away from myself?
Was I disconnected from my true self?
I wasn't aware. I always read book about awareness but I didn't know what 'being aware' meant.
Then, living in the darkness, I began doing meditation.
It was August 2013 when I began to draw. Unconsciously.
In my drawings I could see my darkness, but irony as well, life force, freedom, and pain.
I don't know how to draw but I was expressing freely my thinking on paper. It was a sort of art therapy I think, so I began to draw.
It helped me to stop thinking.
Plus I liked my drawings.
The Anger, the desire, the body as a cage ©Loredana Denicola
Finally I vomited you © Loredana Denicola
I was obsessed.
I couldn't sleep.
I was overthinking. I was creating stories in my mind that didn't exist in reality, and this was affecting my existing life, my relationship with other people, my surrounding, my mental and physical health.
But still, I wasn't aware, because I couldn't see it.
Desperately, I was looking for advice.
One morning, at the gym, after yoga lesson, I asked to my yoga Instructor:
How can I stop thinking?
'This is a difficult question to ask, he said. I think you should work on your breathing. If you can breathe, you will stop thinking'. He answered.
I went home, looking for information on the Internet about meditation.
I found the Buddhist center on Roman Road, East London. They were teaching two different types of meditation, metta bhavana and mindfulness.
At the beginning I was meditating one hour, every day. I wanted to learn how to do it.
I started writing non sense, drawing without knowing why, producing new photography art projects, following my intuition, I felt doing it without thinking and I was creating the most beautiful creations that I ever done in my life.
Time passed and I felt good. At first my mind was chaotic, endless thoughts, one after another, non-stop.
I changed a few things on my website and everything became more personal, more animated, more myself.
I could see myself, where I was going on.
My website was full of creations.
It looks rich of ideas, creativity but messy, confused.
There was too much in my mind.
A year ran and I began my project 'I Am Your Mirror'.
The door is not yet completely open but now, there is a door.
I was looking for light.
In my drawing there are houses, many houses repeating constantly and there are crosses.
I am using three color - white, black and red. I am looking for my house.
I think I am looking for myself.
I found a door.
I am still outside.
Didn’t get in yet.
But I can see the door.
The house is on the tree.
There are few buildings.
It is a small city where I am and there is this door that I am talking about.
What is creativity?